The Hyperreal Grammarian Conspiracy Against The Human Race

Wittgenstein:

A proposition may well be an incomplete picture of a certain situation, but it is always a complete picture of something.

Scepticism is not irrefutable, but obviously nonsensical, when it tries to raise doubts where no questions can be asked. For doubt can exist only where a question exists, a question only where an answer exists, and an answer only where something can be said. (Tractatus Logicus-Philosophicus)

We thus derive the first law of comedy, that which allows it to travel faster than light. By the logic of a closed system: if the set-up exists, then so must the punchline.

That oughta pay my clickbait dues for the last essay. Now who wouldn’t be excited to share this with family and friends? Sure, I’ll grant that the above video is seven or so months old. But since the shot remixed round the world occurred within a news cycle of Trump’s inauguration, the high magic of low analogies merged the two events in the public memory and into the defining moment of 45th Presidency discourse. To date, xanaxed teens echo mating calls of “let’s punch nazis together <3” while dysmorphic trenbolone masturbators reference “antifa thugs” as proof that the left cannot be bargained with. By now even the least continent nursing home residents have read oversized font about the alt-right. This incident is when protestor vs. protestor became cool, half of society cracked knuckles and the other half made noises of dismay and grabbed popcorn. Took less than two months for a right-wing clapback. As I’m writing this, a car hit some protesters in Charlottesville and the torches of vengeance are burning. But it all started in January. That was when shit got real.

And so let us note that shit had never been less real. Spencer—white nationalist, alt-right celebrity now in disgrace—looks ridiculous here as elsewhere, an inveterate hand-raiser, a petulant Boy Scout going for the fascism merit badge. This guy sustains one jab, no combo, for being a Nazi, except he says he’s not a Nazi, although he’s talking about a cartoon frog that was appropriated by Nazis, except it wasn’t. A guy who couldn’t goose-step if he worked on a poultry farm, whose following was negligible before the media trip, whose great coup was, what, being the subject of a VICE article? Big fucking deal, I can get a VICE article right now. Hold on, give me a minute…okay: “My Entire Body Is A Sleeve Tattoo And Every Time I Eat Pussy I Burn A Copy Of ‘Basic Economics’…On Acid!” Clearly I’m more deserving of the hit single, and yet Richard Spencer is the one who gets serenaded, _Booooooooorn In The USA—_except that song isn’t as patriotic as the Youtube comments suggest, it’s about a dude whose life is ruined by living in America, so…? We’re fighting about a symbol of a symbol of a symbol of a symbol of a symbol and half the connections are wrong. The only thing that’s real is the hatred. Or rather, the hatred is made real by our collective desire to pretend that anything else is.

Not that I wouldn’t run down the Buddha if he took too long in the crosswalk. I know well how animus is necessary for sanity when you’re doing needless work on a pointless project for a product that will benefit no one. I’m quite aware that the mere existence of people who hate you—even if you never meet them—is enough to put faces on walls and a sick feeling in your stomach oddly similar to shame. I’m not asking for empathy, I have no illusions about peace and love. All I’m asking for is, exhales, an attempt at understanding. Know your enemy. Then allocate your anger accordingly.

So okay. This above video spread because of the associated ethical conundrum: is it okay to punch Nazis? The type of person who spends all day masturbating to hashtags, “romantic skeptic, academic creative, hopeful pessimist; essentializing is often reductive, so I’ve been working to inhabit a space of tension more comfortably”—says yes, punch ‘em whenever possible. Obvious retort: you sure you’re gonna stick to Nazis? No possibility at all for that slope to get slippery? Fair enough. But let me steelman the antifa argument: assuming you have a foolproof detector, isn’t it sometimes okay to punch Nazis qua Nazis?

Libertarians will say that thoughtcrime shouldn’t be punished. Which is true, but professed Nazi-dom isn’t thoughtcrime, it’s speech-crime. Consider you and your hypothetical gf at the proverbial club. If some guy says, “Damn, I just know your girl would love riding this dick,” he’s not making a threat, merely stating his opinion. And yet of course you shouldn’t play lawyer, of course you should introduce your Heineken bottle to his nasal bridge. How is that different than first-striking someone whose stated opinion is “gas the Jews”?

“Is it morally okay to punch Nazis?” It depends, sometimes it’s okay to punch someone just for sucking at improv. The problem is that it’s a deontological question, and like many such deontological questions there’s an undercurrent of narcissism, “I’m the type of person who [believes in social justice/believes in free speech],” but whatever, I’m not sure people can hear that word anymore and it’s better stated elsewhere. TLP’s insights were genius, read them twice; I’m just doing the math. Assume for the sake of argument that genocide is bad and that bonafide Nazis who support it are also bad. The correct question is: what will be the consequences of the loudly proclaimed policy of “punch Nazis?” Will it reduce the number of Nazis? Will it lead us to war? What does it take to kill an idea?

Anyway, it was while attempting to answer these questions that I stumbled upon a global conspiracy to enslave the human race.